I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
