i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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