I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
