he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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