we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
