1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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