Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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