Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You should frame my arrest warrant.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
