Little spoons don't ask big questions
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
