I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
