I like my sex mixed with concussions.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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