After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
