i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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