Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
