i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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