I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
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