mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize