I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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