I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
