I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
