well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
