ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
