I want to have your abortion
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
