dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
