She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
