i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
