i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
