Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
