He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
