Porn is love you can see.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We are all done wearing pants today
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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