Dude my mom stole all your condoms
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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