**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
