I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize