You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Semen is not good for contacts.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
