i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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