I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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