My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
