if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
