He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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