You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
two words...techno handjob
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
