I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
