we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
