Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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