I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i drank out of a bidet.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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