I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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