it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
