i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
