I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
