i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
