That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
