fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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