I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
