I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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