he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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