Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
