Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
