Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize