we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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