Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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