dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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