I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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